James
Ingram - One Hundred Ways
They say the most powerful sexual organ in the body is the mind. That
actually does end up being the point of this chapter.
Ever notice that all you have to do is see the word sex or hear it
mentioned, and your heart beats a little faster. It's hard to ignore. It's everywhere. You
could say it's a weapon, because it actually is, and I'm going to explain to you how.
I want to start, though, by stating that I'm no prude about sex, any more
than I am promiscuous. I just think I have a healthy attitude toward it, what it is
and what it means. If anyone thinks this is going to be or wants it to be about
moralizing, judging and pointing my finger at anyone, you'll be disappointed.
Sex is a very normal thing, as an expression as well as being important
for procreation. But, it's rippling effects are enormous.
I think I have a slightly different perception of things like sex, love,
marriage and so forth not because I'm old fashioned, a Christian or any of the normal
factors people can call upon. I believe I have a more objective view of certain aspects,
particularly sex.
Here's why.
I grew up with four sisters. They were all older than me, as much as 10
years. I watched them grow up, go through their phases and "being trained" in
their roles as women. This was back in the late 1950's and early 1960's, and then, with my
youngest sister, until about 1973.
I watched as they broke the rules and got punished, things I
wouldn't do because I saw them get in trouble for it, I saw them play sports and become
women and date guys and all the sorts of things that go with being good looking teenage
girls, very Christian and very human. With a strict Dad and a Mom who understood his
point, and theirs.
In an innocent way, I have a bit of a running reputation for liking girls
ever since I was very young, but as friends. And, at least until my later teens, typically
having some kind of what people would call a girlfriend or someone I'd hang around with a
lot, and I treated that person or those people like really special friends. Don't get me
wrong, I hung out with the guys too, played all the sports, typical guy stuff.
But, I think some people get a little confused about how and why it would
be that as a boy, I could whip out a new Barbie Doll evening gown in about 5 minutes. Back
then, Barbie Dolls were the rage, and the girls were always playing with them, and living
in the hills amongst girls, we'd be playing, and they'd decide they wanted to make a new
dress. That was really boring because I had to sit around and wait for them to finish the
dress, and they were slow. So, I figured out a pattern in my head about how to make
certain dresses, and all they had to do was give me the material they wanted and voila,
evening gown or whatever.
The real point is, I got to observe girls turning into women, listening to
them talk and watch as they went through their changes, and eventually, their marriages
and children. And I always enjoyed the things I learned from them, even though it had no
context for me except to understand how they thought and thought about things. It was like
getting to participate in things that guys aren't usually exposed to because they're guys,
and you teach guys and expose them to guy stuff.
I used to wonder things like, how come my sisters have to do the dishes
every night on a rotating basis, but the guys don't? Not like my brother and I, 9 years
older, didn't have our own chores. I just didn't understand why the chores were separated
the way they were. It was years later before I realized it had anything to do with
teaching people to play "roles" in the world and in relationships.
It must have been around the time I was 10, though, that I realized my
body wasn't developing like the other boys, and they did too. They were very cool about
it. I came to realize that, like, in football locker rooms, they would surround me so no
one could look at my body in order to prevent me from being embarrassed, which I thought
was interesting, because I was never embarrassed in the first place, at least until they
started doing that.
I didn't realize until years later that I have a birth defect that caused
me to not go through puberty until I was 19, when I went to a specialist who diagnosed the
problem, administered hormone therapy, and put me through puberty in about 6 months. At
that point, at 19, I looked about 13 years old.
But, when I was starting high school, and everyone was dating and people's
bodies were maturing and all, mine wasn't. It starts to sound like I was a kid with a
physical problem, growth and maturity, who maybe didn't fit in because of it. That's not
true. I still hung out with girls, I was totally interested like most guys. I was popular
in school (I now look back and realize), very social, the whole works. But there were 2
ulterior situations that did inhibit me from doing some things.
First, most of my high school life, I lived way back in the hills, about
40 miles on an old logging road in Maple Creek, California, on the Big Bend Ranch. There
were no phones, no electricity, not even mail delivery , and I knew about girls and phone
calls and all the things you do as a teenager when interacting with friends, let alone
people you want to date, and the road was actually a dangerous road and you had to be
realistic about your physical condition when driving it in order to be safe. There were
500 foot cliffs on the sides of some of those tricky corners. I didn't think too many
girls would want to end a date at 9 PM on Friday night so I could make the drive home
safely without falling asleep at the wheel. It might seem like a reasonable expectation to
have of someone who cares about you, but I was a teenager, and few people had to deal with
that kind of consideration in their lives.
A bigger issue, though, is that I was living in the last 3rd of the sexual
revolution, and sex seemed to be something expected in relationships. I knew the girls I
was most interested in were sexually active, and I actually know that not engaging in
sexual activity resulted in the breakup of a really good relationship I was once in. I
wasn't capable of that kind of sexual activity because I hadn't gone through puberty. Not
because I wasn't interested, but because my body wouldn't do it. There's a part of it
that, frankly, was simply so that I wouldn't have to face the embarrassment of
telling a girl I just wasn't able. And then losing another relationship. Another was the
fact that I didn't think it was morally right anyway. My mom taught me that having a
sexual relationship was more special than a likely short term teenage relationship.
My knowledge that the girls I knew in high school would not likely be
long-term, life-long committed relationships, as in marriage, and I believed in the idea
of virginity and all sorts of things related to the sanctity of the body, particularly in
relationship to the giving of oneself in marriage and fidelity. The part that represents
giving oneself fully to one special person, and having that unique intimacy to give as a
gift to each other upon marriage.
Sometimes, I thought I really missed out by not dating more, though I
can't think of all that many girls who interested me that much. And I wonder if I'd have
been sexually active if my body had matured like normal boys do. I really can't say I know
the answer to that question. But, I do know that as the years have gone by, and
particularly in the last 8 years or so, I've actually become thankful that where I lived
and my body prevented me from being involved in sexual activity when I was young. And I'm
talking about inter-course, not making out, because I did my share of that, too. :}
But I really am glad that my "sexual activity" didn't go
farther than it did. The reason is because I got to observe, often with some discomfort
but always with empathy and care, a great deal of what young people go through in terms of
coming to terms with their sexuality, the effects it had on their lives and relationships,
as well as the influences that led to it all, and now, the way it shapes our culture, and
the world. Understand, I'm not saying I wasn't involved in the "world" I
observed, but I do believe I had a different perspective.
It's ominous how rippling effects occur in the world, more evidence of the
inter-connectedness of everything.
Here are the premises and the influences that shaped my opinions,
conclusions and beliefs about sex and sexuality early on in life.
First, it was the words of my mother. It's hard to remember, but I believe
I was walking through the house one night when I was about 9 or 10, and overheard a
conversation she was having with one of my sisters about sex. All I remember hearing is
her saying something like this:
"I'm not going to tell you not to have sex, because I know things
happen in the heat of passion, but just make sure that if you decide to have sex with
someone, that it's someone that you love and loves you, and that it means something to
you"
I'd think about that over the years, its sensibilities of acknowledging a
preference of not having sex, giving my sister the space to be human and to forgive her if
things got out of control, as well as to provide her with information and counseling that
still left it up to her to make her own choices in the matter. It didn't sound to me like
she was giving my sister permission at all. It was more like the first part of
understanding human sexuality and appreciation for the magic and beauty of sex, tempered
with the respect and privacy and intimacy and gift that presenting your body to another
person really represents, not physically, but spiritually.
The thing that made the greatest impression on me, though, is when she
said something that caused me to understand the difference between having sex with
someone, and making love. This is what I decided:
"Having sex, making love with someone is the most beautiful and free
expression of someone's love for another, fully surrendering oneself to someone else, and
them to you, completely giving and sharing themselves."
I didn't hear much, and I was young, and I've deepened those thoughts, but
when I heard it, it made sense to me, it made sex seems like a very beautiful act between
two people, and I've very much expanded on my own personal view of how special and true it
is throughout my life. I could never imagine anything else being such a private, beautiful
act of love and intimacy and all the other implications of love and commitment, and the
emotional ties and bonds it creates, that accompany it, spoken or not. Especially when
it's done completely sourced by love.
So, I'm going to tell you a few sex stories about things I observed,
things I did and how my thoughts on sex and love were created, and the results I saw from
sexual "influences". I'm not doing it to tell you how you should act and feel
about it. In a way, I think I can provide you with some examples of how things used to be
that will give you a good basis of comparison for what you think of the way things are
today. I hope I don't end up embarrassing anyone I may speak about, as I do my best not to
give them away.
My first year in high school, I was in a school in Central California. The
people I hung out with were very sexually active. This was in a town that was south of San
Francisco, but was actually very much at the heart of the beginning of the hippie and drug
and free love movement that got out of hand back in the 60's, long before it ended up in
San Francisco.
I ended up being around them because I had been recruited out of English
class one day and asked if I wanted to be in a play. I ended up in a lot of plays, and I
believe it was originally because I looked like a little kid, and they needed someone to
play a child. And, other than the drugs and sex, these people were actually very good
people, though heavily influenced by social trends of the culture of the region.
One day, I got curious about this thing called sex. I'd been interested in
girls, but never engaged in sex, and wondered what those words they were saying meant, and
what exactly they did to each other and why.
So, I got out my Bible, I'd heard about Song of Solomon, and read it. That
was my first sex education. I think I was 12, and was already a songwriting romanticist,
and between that and what my Mom had said and other things, I took it as a beautiful story
of seduction and the ultimate bonding of a man and woman, and I was entranced. Then, I got
out the Encyclopedia Britannica and looked up the anatomy, figured out what most of those
words meant, and was left with only a couple of questions. The most important was, what is
pre-mature ejaculation?
I mean, it sounded like you either did it or you didn't. So I asked my
step father what that and a couple of other things meant - he seemed to know a lot about
sex - and he answered my questions very well, followed by a lecture I didn't appreciate at
all about how, now that I knew these things, not to treat it like something I could use.
In other words, don't do it.
Now, I can understand his concern, but my curiosity wasn't because I
wanted to do it, I just wanted to know what it was about, partly because I was in most
ways a normal boy growing up, and partly because I didn't want to be embarrassed when
other people talked about it and I didn't know what the words meant. Given that you'd
think your parents know you, I was offended because I thought he knew me well enough to
know that I wasn't ever out to do mischief or "wrong things".
And mind you, when I was watching my friends being sexual, and I don't
mean making out or hugging and stuff, it wasn't that I approved. It was just what they
did. And it did make me wonder what it was I didn't know.
I didn't say that part about being offended to complain about my
step-father. I said it so parents would take note that your children want to know that you
respect them, and that they can count on you to teach them about things that are important
in life. I didn't ever talk to my step father again about anything like that after I had
to listen to his lecture. Just like lots of other things I heard unnecessary
lectures about, those lectures weren't about me and the way I typically conducted myself,
it was about his own knowledge of what he did when he was my age. And I wanted him to talk
to me based on who I was, not his guilty conscience. Even though I was interested in
things he wanted to teach me without seeming suspicious or accusatory.
I saw some interesting things.
I saw one girl who seemed very nice, whose parents were friends of my
brother, who had a reputation of sleeping with every guy she met. I watched. Sure enough,
it seemed like she had a new boyfriend every few days, and the guys she was with were
people who everyone knew were sexually active. After a while, I heard that some of these
guys were paying her to be "their girlfriend". Guys from affluent families. I
believed it more and more as I observed things happening.
There was this one girl who was sort of the innocent, guileless type. Not
stupid, not naive, guileless. One of the guys turned her into a total neurotic mess, and
it was clear he was using sex as a way to control her, telling her her willingness to have
sex and let's say, more kinky kinds of sex were an indication of her love for him, and she
was constantly in tears. The truth is, I had a big crush on her. He actually seduced her a
day or two before I had planned to ask her out myself. And then I had to watch that
happening. At one point, still friends, she came to me one day needing advice. About his
demand for sex, and her wanting to have a deeper relationship, and so I told her that if
the relationship didn't seem right, then she shouldn't be having sex with him. Because sex
should be an extension of love and not the other way around. She told him about that
advice, I assume as if it was evidence that she had reason to be upset. It didn't go over
well. He used it to dominate her more.
Years later, I had reason to know her again. I hate to say this, but it's
my belief that relationship caused that woman incredible self-esteem problems that very
negatively impacted her life more than 20 years later, including still having this same
guy, married, wanting to continue a sex only relationship with her, and her taking on
someone as a "sex-buddy", a guy who was married to someone else. And
I still believe she views her value to men as first being determined by her sexual
abilities. It was hard to deal with when I finally realized that was still part of her
self-image and so influenced her outlook.
The thing is, you could say that was about having sex, and the dangers of
having sex too young and all, and I'd agree with you. But the real story is in recognizing
that sex itself wasn't the bad part. The bad part was that she was young, hadn't fully
formed her own opinions and feelings about being confronted with sexual situations, and
despite the fact that I know she mostly thought of it as a negative influence in her life
the way it happened, in other words, in her own mind it was wrong, the fact was that
she, like most young adults coming of age, wanted to be loved and be with a guy, and she
got taken in by a guy who may actually have cared for her, but was very good at
manipulating people, and got carried away in at least this case. It seems to have
generated a lot of pain in the life of a woman who is very sweet and loving and kind.
If you were to ask me, she mostly exhibited the signs and symptoms of a
woman who had never resolved or came to grips with being the victim of rape. Sexual
and emotional abuse.
That was all about setting and maintaining personal boundaries, and the
importance of knowledge and the wisdom of guidance so necessary to putting foundations in
place for young people, foundations that are most often established by examples and candid
conversations with children about what being a human being means and is like, and not
giving in to the idea of a parent who feels guilty because "I did it as a kind,
who am I to tell them they're wrong"? And even if you think something that requires
good judgment isn't wrong, it would be best to discuss those kinds of things in a way that
explains what the choices and results of those choices are.
You could also say it speaks to the idea of the need for wholesome
communities.
Through "meeting up" with that woman again, I also found out
that at my elementary school, I was oblivious to the fact that some of the girls in the
7th and 8th grade were turning tricks in the bushes at recess. I had no idea, but it
explained a number of things that happened there, and the way some people there were
acting.
The truth is, in each of these girls turned women, I have to tell you, I
don't believe that any of them were left with a healthy attitude about themselves, about
what it was like to actually be treated with love, about sex being an expression of love.
Not that they haven't overcome a great deal of it over, time, but it left scars. Scars
that shaped the intimacy of their relationships, and their ability to make such personal
commitments.
Over time, I was glad that I wasn't sexually active in high school because
it would have hurt me to know that I could have cause someone that kind of pain or scar,
out of naivete or inexperience, or just the result and being young, and not really able to
make a commitment suggested by sharing yourself with someone else.
And isn't it interesting that the freedom supposedly offered through
sexual liberation and women's liberation was equality that was simply once again channeled
into a means of domination, on purpose or not, generating further hostility amongst the
sexes.
It's part of why I wondered what it was like for guys, going through
puberty. These days, as even girls are so affected by the hormones in our environment that
girls are "coming of age" sooner, I thought, you hear about raging hormones, and
then guys getting too aggressive, acquaintance rape, people crossing the line.
When I was 18, I went to a doctor who gave me hormones to "put me
through puberty". At one point, I calculated that I was getting at least 10 times the
normal amount of hormones that guys going through puberty do. I was getting pretty horny.
Imagine going through puberty in 6 months.
This is embarrassing to admit, but I hope you understand I think it's more
a matter of me attempting to act responsibly.
One day, I heard a report on the radio about a guy picking up women down
at the boardwalk and raping them. Sinxcee I was young, there was a problem in that town
with people being picked up and murdered and raped, and I thought about all the times I
saw people, including young women in bathing suits - hitchhiking on OCean Street and down
by the Boardwalk, and then I'd start getting sexually aroused.
So I went to the doctor and told him I refused to be that jacked up on
hormones that I would even think things like that. He said he couldn't reduce the dose and
get the necessary results, and that I should get a girlfriend.
It really hadn't occurred to me before, and I have to say I was a little
surprised that my doctor would recommend that, not really being consistent with my beliefs
and all.
Not to be graphic, but since we are talking about sexuality and sex
education and related issues, two nights after writing the previous paragraph, I realized
that no one ever told me about masturbation. I'm not blaming anyone, I never asked about
it, but if someone had told me, I can't help but wonder what a difference it would have
made in my life. As a parent, I would think I'd want my son to know about such things, for
the right reasons, with a full discussion of appropriateness and sexuality that was about
more than just the physical aspects of sex and contraception, with the ability to convey
that the right and wrong about sex isn't what's important, but the reasons why the parent,
based on the values they'd prefer to convey to the child, believe in what they
believe in, regardless of their own conduct in the same period of life. A passing down of
heritage and values and sanctity.
But I took my doctor's advice, and this woman and I had a great time, but
before long, I realized that, despite the fact that I never heard a complaint from her,
the entire relationship was sexual, it didn't particularly satisfy me intellectually or
emotionally, and I didn't really want just a sexual relationship, so I broke it off,
feeling horrible, that I'd used her, even if she did enjoy the relationship... I was glad
that I was honest with her and that I would never want to have a relationship because of
sex again.
In my deal with God, there's this thing that happens that if I wonder what
something is like, it tends to happen to me. I wish I'd realized that years ago. :}
That whole situation and sequence of my life taught me a great deal about
human nature, what it's like to have those youthful hormones raging through you, and the
kinds of things that put bizarre ideas in your head when you're least expecting it... like
violence and sex on TV, or news headlines and reports that make you aware of things to do
you never would have dreamed of.
That give you the knowledge of sin.
Think about that. Things that influence you to do things, or over time,
get you to find things acceptable that you didn't used to... are because something or
someone has given you the knowledge of sin. And the permission to sin.
It's interesting to consider, if you're a teenager, knowing your parents
wouldn't approve of your having sex as a teen.... answer this honestly to yourself, what
was it in your mind that you thought that caused you to believe it was a good thing to do?
No criticism, no judgment, just, what was it?
And then, isn't it true that once you crossed the line, did the thing that
used to be special or meaningful become less meaningful because it's just part of a way of
having relationships, like kissing, and it's just sort of expected, and even desired, once
you do it and because it becomes more of a habit or part of the natural progression
of relationships these days? And less a true expression of love?
I'm not saying this is true, but I gave some thought a while back to the
idea that in the theory, as if it was true, that in "old times" young women or
adults, whatever the customs in those times, if they were married to a man as virgins,
both of them virgins, then when they were married, they would form their own
relationships, inter-personal and sexual, without any pre-conceived notions of what good
or bad sex was, or whether they were good or bad at it. And so, in this regard and others,
couples could form themselves and their customs and habits free of right and wrong
thinking.
Back in the 50's, I'd hear people talking about how girls, becoming
women and then marrying when they were young, as they were "supposed to"
according to social custom, were often frigid or viewed their role in a relationship to a
man as "having to" have sex as if it was a duty from the marriage contract.
Carole
King - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow
Part of the problem was that while they were being raised, they were made
ashamed of themselves if they were sexual, or acted as if they wanted to be sexual, so
girls were raised being required to be very proper. And guys were raised to be appropriate
and act like gentlemen. At least, in our family. Of course, that was before birth control
was anything other than the rhythm method and IUD's.
And it's kind of interesting, the rippling effects. Once you get a
reputation for being sexual, there's a certain stereotype you end up with. People don't
see you as a person who is sexual. They see you as "one of those bad sexual
people, slutty or sleazy"... you get the picture. And then it's expected of you, and
your parents are suspicious and you feel like you're no longer a person in their eyes.
At the same time, one time when I was in high school, I decided to stay at
a friend's house on Friday night after getting off the radio, and this girl came in and
decided to play a joke on my parents by calling them and telling them, after I'd already
called and said I wouldn't be coming home, that I was going to be spending the night with
her. I just thought it would be funny to see what happened. The next day, I think my mom
believed me that I spent the night at my friend's house, but my step father just had this
silly grin on his face and acted really proud. This is the same guy who, 2 years before,
lectured me not to have sex.
Back then, in the late 50's, people would get married, and you'd see the
adults talking about this sort of thing, always sort of snickering about who gave the
newlyweds their wedding manual, a book that supposedly taught them all about sex. I always
wanted to see that book. When I got married, it was The Joy of Sex. It was my wife's idea.
Now I wonder if she was trying to tell me something. :}
Anyway... isn't it amazing , all the mixed messages about sex? Is it good
or bad, and do you dare admit the truth in public?
If I see a scene in Top Gun that I think is really romantic and cool, and
think about what it would be like to live that scene, am I sick or perverted, or simply
daydreaming about something I wonder about? Would I be wondering about it if I hadn't seen
the movie? And, if I'm angry and I think about a scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre...
And, if I hadn't inadvertently seen pornography on the internet and then
soft porn on TV, and slowly became accustomed to it, would I have ever looked at
pornography and gotten ideas from it...about sexual thoughts, appropriateness of
pornography, the values I assigned to the meaning of sex in my own value and belief
system? And impressions about the general morality of the public at large?
My real answer would be no, I wasn't looking for it, despite the fact that
I have to admit I really did like the articles in Playboy ever since my brother subscribed
to it in the mid-60's.
These days, it's possible to find ads on the internet of people displaying
their bodies on sites in ways that can only be described as desperate attempts to
satisfy loneliness. Personals. You just have to know that none of these people consider
how these pictures and things will be used against them in the future.
In a world where someone's making a buck telling them it's a good thing to
do.
In a world where the ads make it appear that you couldn't possibly be
having fun without Viagra or something to increase the stimulation of your already
over-stimulated mind and body, that, like with an addiction, requires you to have bigger
and bigger doses of stimulation to sense pleasure. Sensuality. A beautiful gift that's
been exploited.
The Bible speaks of these times, of times of tweaking women's breasts. I
originally wondered what that could be about. And It can only be a symptom of one thing,
and that would be the need for so much stimulation that pleasure is derived from pain.
That's an observation, not a criticism or judgment. But how could that kind of need for
stimulation be good?
The thing about sexuality and human nature, part of which is pure,
un-adulterated animal behavior in our instincts, is that it's purely natural but, in the
human species, we are monogamous by nature. Certainly, our species allows for additional
mating in case of death and so forth, but we mate for life.
There is a very significant reason and order to this.
It's easy to say it's to promote the family and to stabilize the social
culture, all of those kinds of things are true, but it begins with the mating, the bonding
of two individuals, the intimacy that is possible for them to share that creates the
foundation for their future and the futures of those in their communities as well.
The greatest difference between human nature and animal nature becomes
clear in the knowledge of the development and existence of the spirit or soul, and the
purpose for their unique existence in the life they live.
I suppose it's Freudian that some say that people think about sex in some
way every 7-10 seconds. I've thought about that a lot, and I don't believe that's
true. I do believe that when viewing other people, my mind, in performing pattern
recognition, identifies physical attributes of images I see that include male and female
gender determination. What my mind imagines while I do that sub-conscious scanning is more
a matter of free association based on the images and experiences I've been exposed to. So
personally, I'd say that semantically it's true that we consider gender every 7-10
seconds, but that's not necessarily related to sexuality insofar as intercourse is
concerned. Unless you're so often reminded of sex, that your mind is trained to go there
when considering gender and sexuality in any way. And your mind has been trained to do
that.
In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve didn't wear clothing until they had
been given "the knowledge of sin". You could say that they weren't aware their
nudity was wrong until someone told them there was something "nasty" about their
bodies that they should be embarrassed about. Thoughts they might not have had if they
weren't told it was wrong. Thoughts that tempted them to do things they believed weren't
right, for whatever reason. For that little extra thrill.
One time, I drove down the wrong side of a two lane road just to see what
it felt like. It was perfectly safe, I could see for miles in front and behind me, I knew
the road really well, there was no chance of an accident. It felt weird. But it wasn't
that big of a deal. The fun part was, my brother was riding with me in the car.
My brother's the guy who my parents would sit around telling stories and
laughing about things he'd do as practical jokes, that made me believe other people would
think it was funny, too, on the few occasions I followed his example and got in a lot of
trouble. :}
He used to do some pretty weird stuff back when I was a teenager, watching
him drive his sports car, an AMC Javelin that was underpowered but well torqued, and a fun
car to ride in. So there we were on this road, and I thought, he'll appreciate the little
thrill. You know, brother to brother mischief, something he could relate to. It just
occurred to me while writing this that he never rode as a passenger in a car with me
again.
Have you ever noticed how people turn into adults, laugh about the good
old days, giggle about their youthful sexual exploits, and then wonder where you got the
idea to do some of the things you get in trouble for?
Have you ever heard your mom talking about her sex life as a teenager, and
then got lectured and made to feel like some bad person or slut or womanizer because your
"conduct" makes it appear you're becoming sexually active? And then, maybe out
of hurt and rebellion, doing things like that just because if that's the opinion of the
person you care so much about is of you, you might as well live up to their expectations?
The more interesting question I would actually wonder about is, have you
ever had a conversation with your parent about... sex... where they told you some stories
like a friend, laughing and giggling and then, where they also told you about how it's
always funny to look back at the things and mistakes you made, and you laugh about it
because the truth is, you're more embarrassed about the stupid things you did when you
were naive, and with friends who shared that time of life with you or grew up in the same
era, they can all relate to similar stories because of fashion or trends or the ways of
the culture. And, then have the conversation about how it is all funny and all, but it's
also important to learn from other people's mistakes, and then tell them the down side to
it all, what you saw and did, what it was like, good and bad, and how you saw it shaped
your life and the lives of others.
It's one way to be responsible for being human, being young, maybe making
a few "funny mistakes" or just doing things you wouldn't want the kids to
replicate, and at the same, share it with them in such a way that it becomes something in
common, young adult to adult, so they understand what the results, not necessarily
consequences, might be for the actions they take and the choices they make so they can
make informed choices. It's not just about pregnancy and virginity. It's about
self-respect, setting personal boundaries, making decisions for one's self without
requiring someone else's approval, and more...
But that alone should comprise the bulk of what kids need to know about
sex education. After that, the other info is about contraception, disease prevention and
more "mechanical" issues.
It's interesting, too, to realize that once people become used to having
sex as part of their relationships while dating, or even when married, it becomes
something more like the next step after kissing, almost like, if things are going well
then, of course you'll have sex. I don't view it as being as simple as that, but it's a
pattern, something integrated into what the mind causes you to adopt as the way things are
done, what's appropriate and acceptable.
If you watch TV, a good crime show is one where the cool bad guys kill the
police, black people are the sleaziest criminals, Mexicans are about drugs and farm work,
it's fun to do drugs of all sorts because it's like proof you can get away with something
if you're famous, rich or connected enough, how to build sticky bombs that could be used
in terrorist acts, and any GOOD relationship between a man and woman - or gay person - is
outwardly seen as working or not working based on how fast they end up in bed together.
And when they do, we feel good about it. It's nice to see a relationship
work out. It gives you hope, doesn't it? Like, you could have a happy ending like
that. And so goes our training about the ever changing model of what the American Dream
is.
Back when I was a kid, it wasn't permissible to show a married couple
sleeping in bed together. Good, bad or indifferent, that's the way it was.
Every once in a while I'd hear my parents talking about the idea of
couples sleeping in separate beds so their being in bed together would not interfere with
their prayers. Thinking of that, it's interesting when I read the Koran and it instructs
us, Muslims and Christians and Jews, to spend a part of the night in prayer.
When I was a teenager, I'd say something on the air when it turned 10
o'clock at night. I'd say, it's 10'clock, where are your children? I remembered hearing it
all the time when I was younger. I found out just a couple of years ago it was
because there was a rule, and general social agreement, that programming too violent or
controversial for children couldn't be shown until after 10pm. There were other such
agreements about "prime time" family programming.
Sometimes you hear parents talk about how they can only teach their
children so much and they learn everything else from... external influences. I used to
wonder why so many Christians were taking on home-schooling anymore, perceiving it as a
withdrawal of society instead of the desire for their children to know truth, moral and
ethical values, and to reduce their children's exposure to "temptation" and
anti-Christian behaviors they do not wish to have instilled in their children,
particularly at young, impressionable ages.
What does that have to do with sex? I know a little girl who at 9 years
old, was quite taken with makeup and dresses and weddings and marriage and.. why is a
little 9 year old girl so taken with these things? Why is that such a priority in her
mind? Be honest, what effect will have on her life?
You could say it's normal, and I'd likely agree with you, if normal means
doing what everyone else does. I'd more accurately say it's typical. And once again, I'd
ask, what caused you to develop your perception of normal?
I don't want to belabor this, but it seems like we complain about the way
things are, but never ask ourselves or seem to discuss openly - what this issue or
situation would be like in a perfect world? Followed by the serious question, why isn't it
like that?
Could it be pundits who scoff at those who are too naive and unwilling to
accept reality, that they want us to "sin" for their profit and personal
indulgence of perverse habits, or maybe kids at school who have given up hope who want
other kids to party with them just because they want to have fun and are bored?
I remember hearing someone say, one day, "Who says the world is
fair?" I thought about it and honestly couldn't come up with anyone, and then I
thought, except God. Think about that.
I hear people say things like how thinking of things in terms of ideals,
what a perfect world could be, are the thoughts of people who are naive, and I wonder if
they really think God is naive.
We hear a lot of talk these days about abstinence. Like many, I wonder if
the expectation for teenagers, especially, to be abstinent in the face of raging hormones,
to be realistic. It would certainly be convenient if it was that easy. I say, with all the
influences that lead young people to the conclusions about what is right and wrong make
many reasonable things nearly impossible, especially without responsible guidance from
adults.
God never actually gave us "Commandments" with the idea that we
should just do them because He said so. That, too, would be a welcome convenience, except
if we didn't agree with those commandments or if they didn't make sense to us, it would
seem we were simply being told what to do. If I could offer one piece of advice to young
people, in particular, as well as adults, is that if your relationship reaches a point
where you feel that the next step is to conduct a sexual relationship, that you ask
yourself, "What does having a sexual relationship with someone else mean to
me?", and you might want to ask that of the person whom you are considering taking on
as a partner.
If that question is too difficult to answer, you might want to consider
that your maturity, or the intimacy of that relationship, is not really ready for that
next step. Sexual relationships have meaning, whether anyone tells you they should or
shouldn't. They affect your life. They affect your future relationships, they affect the
outcome and goals of your life, and they can cause scars. And bring a great deal of joy.
I'm not going to tell anyone that pre-marital or out of wedlock sex is
wrong. I will say, if you are a Christian and understand and accept the ways of Jesus
Christ and the Commandments of God as good premises for conducting one's life, and for the
world to be a place of peace and love and abundance, then you would want to take on the
inquiry of what a sexual relationship, or what making love, actually means to you... in a
perfect world. And then give yourself that perfect world, according to your own
specifications.
I keep saying, in a perfect world, because you have every right and reson
to have an opinion about the way the world ought to be, just as in many ways, in a
microcosm, you create that world for yourself. If you're not conducting yourself in ways
that reflect your opinion of the way the world ought to be, then you can't reasonably
expect anyone else to either.
I will also say that if you respect yourself, and truly honor and respect
your own feelings and beliefs, religious or not, you will set the bar of your standards
and values higher than ever before, and you will be proud of yourself for being true to
yourself.
If there's any single purpose for this book, in terms of value you can
take away from it, it would be to have you acknowledge to yourself what is important and
valued and of meaning to your self in your life, and then living as if it was true.
Because it is.
George
Harrison - 33 & One Third - 205 - Learning How To Love You
Once again, to let you know I'm not just shaking a righteous finger at
anyone, because I'm not, I'll say that I'm willing to acknowledge that we get into certain
personal and societal habits that won't change overnight.
At the same time, I said from the beginning, I'm not prudish about sex,
and I'm not promiscuous. However, as a person in their 50's, wondering what my future will
be like, re-claiming my own values for my own reasons, reasons I compromised on because of
"the way things are done these days", I'm a single guy with every desire to be
in a committed relationship again, and I certainly consider enjoying a healthy sexual
relationship as a part of the way I make and express love to a special person I hope I'll
meet someday...
But I too got into the habit of thinking, of thinking it was expected,
that sex was part of a normal and natural progression of a relationship whether there was
a commitment or not. I say that also stating that, except that once, I never engaged in a
sexual relationship with anyone without believing that it was part of an intent to be in a
committed relationship. To that extent, I accept the teachings of Jesus, that any man who
lies down with a woman is married to her. At least from this time on. All I can do
is re-claim my values and live them in the future.
In one way, wanting to be abstinent before marriage is something very
important to me, because I believe it communicates a real respect for a person, getting to
know them without complicating the relationship with other unspoken commitments and
assumptions that are easily misunderstood. I want to know that I'm in a relationship with
someone because I know that person and enjoy their company as a companion and friend, who
knows what the dynamics of any possible relationship might be. I just know I want a real
relationship, not a relationship based on hope or expectation that a person will turn out
a certain way. And certainly not a relationship patched together by a physical act that
can never replace intimacy.
James Carville will be chagrined to learn that whether I am ever in a
relationship with a woman again or not, and whether I make love to a woman again or not
for whatever reason, I will never consider myself to be celibate, and not even really
abstinent. Just choosing to make love to someone I actually know I love, and who actually
loves me, and knows that when I give myself to them, they have all of me, and I have all
of them, not as possessions or territories to protect, but as partners in life. (And
that's almost an inside joke I'll let him explain. Whatever he says is fine with me.)
If you think for one minute that means I'm not a passionate, romantic guy,
all I can say is that someday, if I start cranking out love songs for an extended period
of time, you'll know what's going on. :}
The funny part is, I started thinking about that promise I just made a few
nights ago while thinking about what I really wanted to say about sex, and considering,
like I'm suggesting to you, all of the influences and the ways and values I wanted to put
back into my life that I always felt worked best for me. I forgot that I made this deal
with God, and every time I seriously wonder what it would be like to experience something,
it happens to me. I sat there wondering, I wonder what it would be like now, at my age, to
meet a really cool woman, and have a reasonable period of courtship or something in a more
serious relationship, without it including making love. So...
I thought, it'll be hard. And then I thought, it would be funny, me
knowing the promise I made to myself, and no one else knows why it makes me chuckle to
myself. You know, women sometimes think there's something wrong with you if you don't make
sexual advances toward them.
And then I thought, wouldn't it be cool to be able to discuss it with
someone, and share the values and the same desire and acknowledge the feelings, but out of
respect for each other and the incredible specialness of marriage and that beauty of
making love, to make love in other ways of being toward each other and in creating a
future based on true communication and understanding so that the relationship will last.
So that if nothing else, there will always be that respect that's so vital and important.
The last thing I'm going to say may sound like an expression of regret or
angst, but I want to assure it's not. It's about acknowledging the choices I've made in my
life in order to learn from them. I can honestly say that if I had not had that first
relationship, no matter the reasons I did, my life would have been much different. If
anyone I was ever in a relationship before reads this, I want to assure you that I am not
asserting anything about the quality of that relationship, about or the value of the
relationship we shared. Nor is it relevant what conclusions I came to regarding my past
choices in terms of whether I think the "difference" in my life was either good
or bad.
It's simply a matter of stating what choices I make today regarding what I
believe in and the actions I take from now on that reflect my willingness to adhere to my
own standards because I say it is the best way for me to live.
I'd like to challenge you to state, for your own sake, what it is you
actually believe in, and then choose to live those beliefs.
Like we are living in a perfect world.
